This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
