you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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