After last night, I could never be a politician.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize