the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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