my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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