yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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