the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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