Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
