I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize