if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
