I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
