Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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