Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
