they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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