considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
