Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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