He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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