her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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