remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
