Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
