My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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