we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Randomize
