That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
