I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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