Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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