I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
