I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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