just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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