It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
