I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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