wrigley field is MILF paradise
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
