Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
