Swine flu. Run for my life!
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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