hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
