theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
