And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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