he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
