apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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