remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
