so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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