The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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