Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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