Can i not drive my cunt home
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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