I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
