tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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