to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
