I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
