Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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