I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
