I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
