god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
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