i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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