this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
