You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
