I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Randomize
