dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
We're too hungover to prance.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
